No matter how strong we push ourselves to be, there are going to be times when all we want, and all we need in fact, is just to tuck ourselves in bed and go to sleep.
The week before the CNY holidays has been Crazy, with a capital C for me. It’s not like there was anything extraordinary that made me felt the way I did or anything. But it was more like an accumulation of things that has always bothered me, seemed to have exploded in my face, paired with a girl’s worse enemy, PMS, and bam! The perfect recipe for an emotional meltdown.
I really dislike being labelled as a “girl” in the context of “oh, she is acting like such a girl right now” which is unofficially defined by society as a female who lets her emotions take charge of her entire being, who breaks into tears when there is a slight problem or throw a tantrum just to get her way. I hate that there is even a stereotype as such; but at the same time, I cannot, I really cannot deny that there are times when I myself, a 24-year-old working adult contribute to this stereotype.
I am one who takes pride in being someone who is pretty in control of myself and my emotions, or at least when it comes to work and tasks. I often like to think I am this strong, independent person who, in no other better way to put it, got her shit together. I am trying my best to learn to be surer of myself and everything that I do and go out and show the world the best I got, oh trust me, I am trying so hard to learn.
But there are some days, that seems slightly more difficult than others, and all that could go wrong or might go wrong come pouring in, and I find myself losing it a little. Especially when it comes to the work I am passionate about, or the roles I take pride in, I tend to get overly protective. I am not proud of this at all, and it bothers me to even admit it, as this just makes me seem weak and emotional. Very uncool, as the cool kids would say.
And sometimes (especially when I have my brain going into over worrying mode), one silly remark from someone, or an extra mistake I catch myself committing, and it might just be sufficient to break the camel’s back. Before I know it, I find myself feeling this wave of overwhelmingness and I can feel myself choking up and taking deep breaths to stop myself from crying. Ewwwwwwwww. I know. Trust me, admitting this makes me cringe harder than anyone else.
See, I believe in being harder on yourself when it comes to getting things done. After all, this year is all about pushing limits. In order to do that, sometimes it also means being harsher on myself to make sure I stay on track, or to push myself to do more, and to do better.
But recently, I learned that this might not necessarily have to be something that I have to beat myself up about. I learned that it is okay to show signs of weakness. I learned that no matter how much we strive for, we are still human, as cliche that sounds. At the end of the day, a momentary weakness does not dictate the work you do or the person that you are.
Instead of being in that vicious cycle of feeling upset and getting more frustrated with myself for being upset, I should give myself some time to feel what I am feeling. Maybe instead of fighting it, what I need is to allow myself some space to drown for a little while, just to recollect the strength within me to push through.
Because after all, despite it feeling like a dramatic meltdown, I know, I know for sure, that all the strength I ever need to battle through all the obstacles and challenges, is in fact, just one sleep away. All in needs is one good sleep.
And tomorrow morning when I wake up, I am going to be okay. I will be okay.