When I kick started 2017, I gave myself two words I wanted to live and breathe the entire year, and the words are “strive” and “leap”. I wanted to start doing things fearlessly, trying out new things, pushing myself to challenge my very own limits and ultimately achieving the most I can, especially in terms of career and self-development out of these 365 days.
However, it is mid-March right now and I find myself to be all over the place.
I wanted a career switch, challenging myself to different things and learning new skills in a new environment, and I got that. I went on a job search craze, going for interviews and finally deciding to join a new company with a position that I am incredibly excited for.
I wanted to work harder than I ever did, so I muster up the courage in me to take on freelancing projects and I got that. I started out with doing services for close friends. I got two continuous working projects at hand, and a few opportunities waiting for me here and there.
I wanted to move to a new place, find my independence and tick it off my bucket list. I vowed to move to KL after graduation and even whispered to Dataran Merdeka that I will be back soon after my internship in 2015. I got that too. I am currently writing out this post in my new KL room that I just settled in.
Basically, I got so many things that I wanted, and it is just the first quarter of the year. And don’t get me wrong, I am super duper grateful and blessed. I am so thankful for all that I have, really.
But somehow, changes also means uncertainties. And I always put on a brave front, but maybe, just maybe, I am a little scared.
My head is all over the place. I am not afraid of staying alone, or starting a new job or even being in a big city all on my own.
I am feeling uncertain of what comes next for me. I don’t know what moving to KL means for my relationship with my loved ones in Penang. I don’t know what staying alone means and I freak out about finding food for 3 meals each day on my own. I worry about my very problematic stomach, and what will I do if it suddenly acts up when I am at the office or walking home from the LRT station. I don’t know if I have the technology skills and mental strength to complete freelancing projects all on my own without any guidance or people to turn to (except the help of my old friend, Google). I am afraid that I am not good at making friends, after all, I am an awkward penguin at heart and my RBF often scare people away.
But then again, I am scribbling this out to remind myself, that I have everything I wanted. It’s exciting but also scary. It’s worrying but also an adventure of a lifetime. It’s challenging but also very, very fulfilling.
Transitions will always, always be scary. Stepping out of my comfort zone, being out all alone to look out for myself can be intimidating but also utterly liberating.
I think I just want to say, that this is something that I need to go through on my own, climbing my own way up this mountain just to have the best view. Diving to the deepest part of the ocean just to look at the rarest corals. Running as fast and as far as my legs can take me just to finish the marathon. This is a journey, a process that will make me grow into the butterfly I need to become.
This is the time, the time to be my own person, my very own best friend and to put complete, 100% trust in myself and just go out there, and live.
And this time of my life, it’s mine, all mine, and no one can take it away from me.