Here’s me, writing genuinely from my heart. And that means it’s not going to be my usual point formed structured posts. Here’s me, putting my jumbled talkative thoughts into words. And that means there will not be any filters or uncertainty. Here’s me, writing out my thoughts, unapologetically.
It has been a crazy month for me. And honestly, things have been pretty insane ever since I moved here. I know I have said it so many times, but making a big life change does not only mean physical, situational or geographical change. There is so much you need to learn, so much you put to risk, so much you need to let go of. It is a leap of faith, that’s what it is.
It’s been crazy, really, everything that is going on. To say it’s all smooth sailing would be the biggest lie. I have done many things wrong, stumbled here and there, made many mistakes that I cannot take back, and even hurt people that I never thought I would have. At some point, I started questioning myself, if I was being utterly selfish. To leave everything behind and just do what I wanted as I wished. I started to feel this constant nagging guilt, that I put myself before anyone else.
But through time and some reflections, I realized, this is indeed what I needed. I learned that it’s okay to put myself first.
Just awhile back, I found myself apologizing constantly. For talking too much, for sharing too much about myself. I was apologizing for not trying hard enough, I was apologizing for not being able to help the people I loved. At that point, I just felt like what I did was never right, or even enough.
It was exhausting. I was getting so drained I lost my appetite to eat. I was having physical body aches from the guilt I carried seeing the people I care about feeling sad. I was antagonizing myself for people that did not even contribute to my life anymore. I wanted to be this person to fix everyone else around me, forgetting the fact that right now, I do not have the capacity to play heroine and save others.
That’s when I told myself, no more. No more apologizing for everything. No more blaming myself for things that is out of my control.
I decided its time. It’s time to take care of myself and focus on my own happiness. To live my life unapologetically. And this time, I meant it. I decided to be happy. To actively choose to live my life, for me. To be completely unapologetic for being emily. To embrace all that I have, my quirks, my weirdness, my crazy intensity, and just be me and live the life the way I want it to be.
It’s not easy, after being apologetic for so long about every single thing. That squirming anxiety of being awkward or weird or opinionated or headstrong has made itself into an involuntary thought.
So I have been constantly reminding myself, I am made up the way I am, and it’s time I truly embrace it. I want to succeed, but not by following anyone’s guidelines or manuals. I want to get things done right, but in the most emily way possible. I want to do things that make me happy, and I mean truly happy. I have also decided its time to find the courage to distance myself from people that always have negative judgments on my decisions, spend time with the people that love me for me. I want to enjoy doing things that I love; and learn to love this life I have, and live it, unapologetically.
Because, when you stop feeling the need to apologize for your life decisions or the way you truly are, there is not much that can get more liberating than that. Trust me on this.
Here’s a secret for you. No matter what you do, people will always have something to say. So why hold back? Go, you beautiful person reading this, live your life the way you want, unapologetically.